Tell HGF Things

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Dear Mr. Skywalker,

My name is Dav Larteeg. I don’t think you know me. I’ve been with the Rebellion for a while now, but mostly as a low-level worker, far away from the five or six people at the top. I did fly a B-Wing in the battle of Endor, but I believe you were elsewhere at the time.

Anyway, the Empire is defeated! Hooray! I am on the New Republic Council, working to bring democracy back to the galaxy. It’s pretty challenging. And I understand you’re busy bringing back the Jedi.

Which brings me to my point here. Please don’t. I don’t want to seem unappreciative of what you’ve done for the Rebellion. Turning off your targeting computer when you were in range of the Death Star’s exhaust port so that there was a good chance of missing the crucial shot was an act that…well, it won’t be forgotten for a while. And since then, you’ve done a heck of a job rescuing people so they could come back and help us out. I’m glad this was something you could do in between all your Jedi training.

But let’s not dwell on the past, at least not yet. Right now the present is important, for the future of the galaxy! And we on the Council are a little concerned about this plan of yours to bring back the Jedi.

It’s not that we don’t want a group of highly dogmatic warrior-priests dispensing justice through amputation. Nor is it the fact that the only force that can keep them in check when they go off the rails is each other. It’s just that…well, let’s be honest here, Mr. Skywalker. While a Jedi might (or might not, the jury’s kind of still out on that, I’m afraid) have gotten us out of this whole Empire mess, a whole group of them got us into it. The track record of the Jedi just isn’t so hot.

You weren’t born yet when the Emperor rose to power, so maybe you don’t know all of this information. I know that Obi-Wan Kenobi has told you about Jedi history, but then again, Obi-Wan Kenobi says a lot of things, doesn’t he? Did he mention that some of the greatest Jedi in history didn’t see the Emperor when he was literally right under their nose? Count Dooku told pretty much the whole plan to Obi-Wan Kenobi, and he and the Jedi just shrugged it off. I’m pretty sure Kenobi neglected to mention that to you. Likewise, I’m sure he probably forgot about how the Jedi were handed an army out of nowhere, on a planet somehow hidden from them, under mysterious and suspicious circumstances, and happily accepted it, no questions asked. An army of clones, too, because living beings bred solely to fight and die for the government is far more “civilized” than droids. Although some might call the actions of the Jedi as the Emperor rose to power “criminally stupid,” let me assure you I am not one of them.

And I know this is a touchy subject for you, but please hear me out. No one is more overjoyed than I that you were, at the last minute and long after many people gave their lives fighting (people, not clones), able to turn your father back to the side of good. Obi-Wan was wise to lie to you about Darth Vader being your father so that you couldn’t confront him any earlier. I understand that because he didn’t like seeing his son roasted alive (more on this in a moment, sir), the Force has forgiven him for all the people he mercilessly destroyed. You must be very proud! But let’s not forget how he got in that situation, shall we? He was discovered by Qui-Gon Jinn, a Jedi who was best known for both piercing the veil of the afterworld and using the Force to cheat at gambling. Qui-Gon was the one who brought this loose cannon into the Council, and the Council reluctantly agreed to train him, handing him over to a Jedi who’d been a master for…well, I’m not sure what time it was when Obi-Wan was tapped as Anakin’s master, so I can’t tell you how many hours. They then proceeded to treat the boy like the unwanted stepchild he was, practically driving him into Palpatine’s arms. The Jedi Council’s lack of concern when your father slaughtered an entire tribe of sand people to avenge his mother’s death makes one wonder if they even knew about it. Regardless, my point here is that it was the combined wisdom and power of the Jedi Council who helped Anakin seek friendship and acceptance from the Sith Lord, Darth Sideous. And don’t get me started on the celibacy policy of a group that’s harnessed a genetic ability…

I think I’ve made my point, sir. Please forgive my forwardness, but I’m just not sure we really want these people back. And it’s not just me, a lot of us here on the Council are starting to think we’re better off without sanctioned, trained killers with repressed emotions. Maybe we’re just filled with hubris after our Jedi-less victory at Endor. I’m sure you recall how Obi-Wan dismembered a guy in a bar for hassling you, right? This “lop off arms first and ask questions later” policy was pretty much Jedi Standard Operating Procedure. (For the record, the Prosthetic Limbs Lobby is very keen on having the Jedi return.) Random acts of violence aside, we have our own soldiers now. We have repulsorlift technology that allows us to make things float without invoking mystical powers. General Calrissian is full of information on how to lie and cheat without an unwavering spiritual commitment. We’re just not sure that skills passed down from a guy who walked away from his “best friend” and “brother” as a torso that was roasting alive are what the Republic really needs at this point. I think we’re ready to take our own destiny into our own hands. The Council urges you to reconsider your decision to bring back the Jedi, Mr. Skywalker.

Sincerely,
Dav Larteeg
New Republic Council

PS - To be fair, though, I hear you can channel Master Yoda. Now him, we might be interested in talking to.

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I had a pizza last night with Jalapenos, Tuna and Chicken with alot of coke to wash it down.

That gives me the worst indigestion ever.

Does anyone know what program I'd open a .DAA file with?

Updated blogg. This week, I carefully examine the fucking shit-pile that was Ghost Rider:

silly rabbit, trix are for kids

Enjoy, gentle readers.

Liked it, but can't use it for reference as you enjoyed spiderman3, therefore, all of your subsequent critiques are void.

Skag?

That like weed or something?