By JESSICA YELLIN
External image not preserved — inspect source: http://abcnews.go.com/images/site/story/byline_abcnews.gifDec. 28, 2005
Another tragic death of a local 15 year old teen has been attributed to a new hair style that has become prominent in the emo/hardcore/gay community. The hair cut features long bangs that all but competely blocks the vision in the left or right eye.
"Kids don't realize that depth perception is reguarded in society as being much more important than having a slightly tilted version of a homosexual 80's haircut." says Dr. Pepper, M.D. from the Center of Stupidity Control. "We have encountered some fairly stupid fads in the past, but sacrificing 50% of one of your five senses to look like a douchbag is definatly something new".
The teen who recently passed away was killed when he was attempting to take a picture of himself for his "myspace"; a popular website that promotes homosexuality, cross dressing and general stupidity among youths.
With his depth perception hindered, the teen failed to realize that the camera was one and a half inches from his face. The resulting flash caused the teen to be temporarily blinded, which lead him to kill himself because everything didn't go exactly his way.
His parents were less than pleased, "If we'd of known that letting him look like an effeminate herion addict would've killed him, we would've never of bought him that eye liner!", said the teens mother.
This is the fourth death attributed to this hair style.
"Depth perception is not something you should take lightly". Says Dr. Pepper M.D. "I treated a teen last weekend who wandered in front of a bus because he was simply using one eye to navigate! The parents need to get involved!".
Some teens still seem to think it's a game.
"It's just our way of not conforming man.... We just don't want to have normal haircuts like everyone else." Says Raven Dinglehouse from Ft. Peirce, FL. "We'd just rather strictly copy a few million dirty looking people than have a hair cut that loosely resembles the rest of the world."
This comment was profound enough to cause our correspondent's head to explode.
Even Elton John has chimmed in with his concerns, "This new fad is gayer than two gay guys having sex with three gay guys", says the accomplished performer.
This reporter could not agree more.
While it has been known that teens will certainly risk life and limb for the approval of thier peers, never in history have they been also willing to risk diginity, sexual identity and a bad dye job all at the same time.
If you haven't figured out that this is a joke yet, you're probably one of these retard kids with the crappy hair cuts. GET A FUCKING JOB!!!
Thanks. I'm out.
b.j.
www.boredom-induced.com
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p.s. I wrote this, not "JESSICA YELLIN". Send hate mail directly to [email address redacted]
I laughed almost the whole way through.
