post #1
Forum index / Funny shit / Landover Baptist
Landover Baptist
7 posts · page 1 of 1
post #2
09 January 2006, 17:37 UTC#2
HOLY FUCKING BULLSHIT BATMAN!!!
what a goddamn dick!!! I wanna punch that asshole in the CUNT!
QUOTE
Dear Pastor,
I am 8-years old and I am so sad now cause my dog, Scruffy is awfully sick. The pet doctor told my mom that Scruffy has only a few weeks to live because he has a bunch of cancers everwhere. The doctor told my mom that I am gonna see Scruffy when I get to heaven, but she told me that my doctor is not saved, so that I will write to you and ask you the real answer about Scruffy because you know.
Pastor, I love Scruffy so much! I have been trying so much every day not to cry, but when I look at his eyes, he is so sad! My poor dog is in so much pain with his cancers. Is Scruffy going to go to Heaven, Pastor? Will I get to see him again?
Timothy Galvin - Age 8
Freehold, Iowa
Dear Timmy,
It always breaks my heart when I have to answer a question like this. I understand your concern, but I won't lie to you. According to the Bible, there will be no animals in heaven except for horses. And those horses, the book of Revelation tells us, will be used solely as a means of transportation. Scripture tells us that horses will sprout wings and will be able to fly at high speeds. We'll fly too, Timmy - but the horses will probably fly faster, which is why Jesus is going to keep them around.
As True Christiansâ„¢ we can only speculate why God doesn't find it necessary to populate heaven with dogs, cats, cows, chickens and other creatures. Most likely it is because we won't need food when we get to Heaven. Using Bible logic, we have to assume that there are going to be a whole mess of folks in Hell and most of them will be Chinese, since they never had the luxury of hearing about Jesus. People in hell will need food to sustain them through an eternity of torture at the hands of the loving God they rejected. As we understand it, Chinese folks love to eat dogs. I'm sorry, Timmy - it is a hard sight to take in, but in a few weeks little Scruffy will be savagely ripped to shreds, as will countless other pooches, at the blood-stained hands of starving, godless Chinamen as they are beaten and sodomized by demons on the desolate shores of the Lake of Fire. My guess is that those shores will be piled high with the rotting bone-picked carcasses of every household pet there ever was.
I hope this helps.
Your friend and Pastor,
Deacon Fred
I am 8-years old and I am so sad now cause my dog, Scruffy is awfully sick. The pet doctor told my mom that Scruffy has only a few weeks to live because he has a bunch of cancers everwhere. The doctor told my mom that I am gonna see Scruffy when I get to heaven, but she told me that my doctor is not saved, so that I will write to you and ask you the real answer about Scruffy because you know.
Pastor, I love Scruffy so much! I have been trying so much every day not to cry, but when I look at his eyes, he is so sad! My poor dog is in so much pain with his cancers. Is Scruffy going to go to Heaven, Pastor? Will I get to see him again?
Timothy Galvin - Age 8
Freehold, Iowa
Dear Timmy,
It always breaks my heart when I have to answer a question like this. I understand your concern, but I won't lie to you. According to the Bible, there will be no animals in heaven except for horses. And those horses, the book of Revelation tells us, will be used solely as a means of transportation. Scripture tells us that horses will sprout wings and will be able to fly at high speeds. We'll fly too, Timmy - but the horses will probably fly faster, which is why Jesus is going to keep them around.
As True Christiansâ„¢ we can only speculate why God doesn't find it necessary to populate heaven with dogs, cats, cows, chickens and other creatures. Most likely it is because we won't need food when we get to Heaven. Using Bible logic, we have to assume that there are going to be a whole mess of folks in Hell and most of them will be Chinese, since they never had the luxury of hearing about Jesus. People in hell will need food to sustain them through an eternity of torture at the hands of the loving God they rejected. As we understand it, Chinese folks love to eat dogs. I'm sorry, Timmy - it is a hard sight to take in, but in a few weeks little Scruffy will be savagely ripped to shreds, as will countless other pooches, at the blood-stained hands of starving, godless Chinamen as they are beaten and sodomized by demons on the desolate shores of the Lake of Fire. My guess is that those shores will be piled high with the rotting bone-picked carcasses of every household pet there ever was.
I hope this helps.
Your friend and Pastor,
Deacon Fred
what a goddamn dick!!! I wanna punch that asshole in the CUNT!
post #3
09 January 2006, 18:35 UTC#3
QUOTE(Boner Jones @ Jan 9 2006, 05:37 PM) [snapback]262733[/snapback]
HOLY FUCKING BULLSHIT BATMAN!!!
QUOTE
Dear Pastor,
I am 8-years old and I am so sad now cause my dog, Scruffy is awfully sick. The pet doctor told my mom that Scruffy has only a few weeks to live because he has a bunch of cancers everwhere. The doctor told my mom that I am gonna see Scruffy when I get to heaven, but she told me that my doctor is not saved, so that I will write to you and ask you the real answer about Scruffy because you know.
Pastor, I love Scruffy so much! I have been trying so much every day not to cry, but when I look at his eyes, he is so sad! My poor dog is in so much pain with his cancers. Is Scruffy going to go to Heaven, Pastor? Will I get to see him again?
Timothy Galvin - Age 8
Freehold, Iowa
Dear Timmy,
It always breaks my heart when I have to answer a question like this. I understand your concern, but I won't lie to you. According to the Bible, there will be no animals in heaven except for horses. And those horses, the book of Revelation tells us, will be used solely as a means of transportation. Scripture tells us that horses will sprout wings and will be able to fly at high speeds. We'll fly too, Timmy - but the horses will probably fly faster, which is why Jesus is going to keep them around.
As True Christiansâ„¢ we can only speculate why God doesn't find it necessary to populate heaven with dogs, cats, cows, chickens and other creatures. Most likely it is because we won't need food when we get to Heaven. Using Bible logic, we have to assume that there are going to be a whole mess of folks in Hell and most of them will be Chinese, since they never had the luxury of hearing about Jesus. People in hell will need food to sustain them through an eternity of torture at the hands of the loving God they rejected. As we understand it, Chinese folks love to eat dogs. I'm sorry, Timmy - it is a hard sight to take in, but in a few weeks little Scruffy will be savagely ripped to shreds, as will countless other pooches, at the blood-stained hands of starving, godless Chinamen as they are beaten and sodomized by demons on the desolate shores of the Lake of Fire. My guess is that those shores will be piled high with the rotting bone-picked carcasses of every household pet there ever was.
I hope this helps.
Your friend and Pastor,
Deacon Fred
I am 8-years old and I am so sad now cause my dog, Scruffy is awfully sick. The pet doctor told my mom that Scruffy has only a few weeks to live because he has a bunch of cancers everwhere. The doctor told my mom that I am gonna see Scruffy when I get to heaven, but she told me that my doctor is not saved, so that I will write to you and ask you the real answer about Scruffy because you know.
Pastor, I love Scruffy so much! I have been trying so much every day not to cry, but when I look at his eyes, he is so sad! My poor dog is in so much pain with his cancers. Is Scruffy going to go to Heaven, Pastor? Will I get to see him again?
Timothy Galvin - Age 8
Freehold, Iowa
Dear Timmy,
It always breaks my heart when I have to answer a question like this. I understand your concern, but I won't lie to you. According to the Bible, there will be no animals in heaven except for horses. And those horses, the book of Revelation tells us, will be used solely as a means of transportation. Scripture tells us that horses will sprout wings and will be able to fly at high speeds. We'll fly too, Timmy - but the horses will probably fly faster, which is why Jesus is going to keep them around.
As True Christiansâ„¢ we can only speculate why God doesn't find it necessary to populate heaven with dogs, cats, cows, chickens and other creatures. Most likely it is because we won't need food when we get to Heaven. Using Bible logic, we have to assume that there are going to be a whole mess of folks in Hell and most of them will be Chinese, since they never had the luxury of hearing about Jesus. People in hell will need food to sustain them through an eternity of torture at the hands of the loving God they rejected. As we understand it, Chinese folks love to eat dogs. I'm sorry, Timmy - it is a hard sight to take in, but in a few weeks little Scruffy will be savagely ripped to shreds, as will countless other pooches, at the blood-stained hands of starving, godless Chinamen as they are beaten and sodomized by demons on the desolate shores of the Lake of Fire. My guess is that those shores will be piled high with the rotting bone-picked carcasses of every household pet there ever was.
I hope this helps.
Your friend and Pastor,
Deacon Fred
what a goddamn dick!!! I wanna punch that asshole in the CUNT!
Is that shit for real?! God those christian pastor's truly have a way with words, and their not even proper vicars or anything, can just turn up and say "Im a pastor!" and it's fine.
post #4
09 January 2006, 18:52 UTC#4
You guys, I'm pretty sure the whole site is for shits n giggles.
post #5
09 January 2006, 20:23 UTC#5
QUOTE
"I think the reason so many people are open to hearing about Jesus in the World of Warcraft is because the majority of people who play the game are lonely kids who don't have any friends. I doubt any of them play sports so you can pretty much guess that there are lots of gay boys and fat little pale-faced Wiccan girls on the servers who hate themselves and escape into virtual characters so they don't have to deal with their pathetic lives."
ownage!
post #6
09 January 2006, 20:26 UTC#6
Haha, obviously fake.
Funny as hell though.
Funny as hell though.
post #7
10 January 2006, 01:08 UTC#7
QUOTE(gman @ Jan 9 2006, 08:26 PM) [snapback]262892[/snapback]
Haha, obviously fake.
Funny as hell though.
Yes.. Landover is fake, and has been around for years. It is a great site, which emulates real people that are fundies, and takes it to the extreme. It's like a religious verision of the Onion.