05 April 2005, 16:04 UTC#1
Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way.
Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband - "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?"
Looking over her carefully, Andy replied,...
"Judging from your skin, twenty;
your hair, eighteen;
and your figure, twenty five."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying...
"WHOA, hold on there sweety!" Andy interrupted.
"I haven't added them up yet!"
05 April 2005, 16:08 UTC#2
gazaa u stole my thread
05 April 2005, 16:08 UTC#3
there is already a joke thread isn't there?
05 April 2005, 16:10 UTC#4
05 April 2005, 16:11 UTC#5
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Cos Rob was on the other side, trying to fuck it
Before prison
Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge.
The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and pursuade them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o
and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd guy)
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'This is your asshole before prison...."
05 April 2005, 16:12 UTC#6
05 April 2005, 16:14 UTC#7
QUOTE (Nico @ Apr 5 2005, 04:10 PM) yes mine!, you shall burn in hell eternally for this gazaa
External image not preserved — inspect source: http://homegrownforums.com/html/emoticons/Copy of glare.gif External image not preserved — inspect source: http://homegrownforums.com/html/emoticons/up2something.gif Young Boudreaux applied for an engineering job way, way up north in Shreveport. A local man applied for the same job and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one question. The manager went up to Boudreaux and said "Thank you for your interest, but we' ve decided to give the local man the job." Boudreaux said "Why
you gonna be doing that sir, we both got 9 questions right?"
The manager said, "We made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the one you missed."
Boudreaux asked "An just how da heck would one incorrect answer be mo better dan da otter?"
The manager replied, "Simple, the local man put down on question #5, 'I don't know,' you put down, 'neither do I.'
05 April 2005, 16:17 UTC#8
Two of my favourite jokes are in the other thread.
I think I may post them here for the fuck of it.
A man is driving down the freeway and pulls over when he spots a little girl crying on the side of the road. He asks her what is wrong. The girl points over to a car that is crashed and turned over. The man says "oh no, where are your parents sweety?" She starts to cry harder and points again to the wrecked car. The man pulls his fly down and says, "well sweety, today is not your lucky day..."
I ate a vegetable once . . .
But I couldn't finish the wheelchair.
05 April 2005, 16:26 UTC#9
05 April 2005, 16:30 UTC#10
hahahahahhah not your lucky day ... nice joke
05 April 2005, 16:42 UTC#11
Here's a few more . . .
Why do they call it a Pap Smear?
Because no one would have one if they called it a cunt scrape.
Why can't Jesus play basketball?
He's nailed to a cross.
What is better than winning a medal at the Special Olympics?
Not being retarded.
Why can't Stevie Wonder read?
Because he is black.
What did the blind, deaf and dumb kid get for christmas?
Cancer.
A chinese guy walks into a bar, sees the black bartender, and says "Get me a beer, nigger" The bartender says "What did you say to me!?" to which the Chinese man replies "You heard me the first time, now go get me a beer nigger."
The bartender looks around for a second, a bit stunned, then replies "How would you like it if our positions were reversed? I don't think you'd want to be spoken to like that!" The Chinese man says "Really? Alright then, let's switch positions."
So they do, and the black bartender walks out of the bar while the Chinese man gets behind the bar. The black man walks in and says "Get me a beer, you stupid Chink!" to which the Chinese man replies "I'm sorry, we don't serve niggers here."
05 April 2005, 16:45 UTC#12
13 April 2005, 21:36 UTC#13
A train hits a bus load of catholic school girls and they all perish. They all wind up in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.
St. Peter asks the first girl, "Karen, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Karina, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the queue. When she reaches the front St. Peter says, "Sharon! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to do it before Mandy sticks her ass in it."
13 April 2005, 21:41 UTC#14
13 April 2005, 21:46 UTC#15
this one's for gazaa
External image not preserved — inspect source: http://homegrownforums.com/html/emoticons/Copy of lol.gif A couple were sitting up waiting for their fifteen year old son to come home from a social engagement when the boy comes into the house with a big smile on his face.
"Hi Mom! Hi Dad!†he said breathlessly. "Guess what? I've just had sex for the first time and it was wonderful."
His mother turned bright red and said to her husband, "He's your son. You talk to him." Then she left the room.
The father said, "Son, that's great. Now you've become a man and I'm proud of you. I'm going to celebrate the occasion by buying you that ten-speed bike you've been wanting. I hope you don't mind waiting till pay-day to get it".
"That's OK Dad," said the boy. "I couldn't ride it right now anyway. My ass is too sore.â€Â
13 April 2005, 22:22 UTC#16
funny pickup lines
did it hurt?
what?
the fall from heaven
if u were a bouger I would pick you first
if u would jump off a bridge I wouldnt jump too.. id b the first one down there to catch you
