Things not to use as toliet paper

...pointy sticks

potato chip bags

lit candles

a screwdriver

sandpaper

your pet

fish

a spoon

your pillow

hardcover books

furniture polish

blow torch

a rake

razor blades

door handles

a windshield

a cactus

a Bladerunner DVD

salad forks

coffee beans

small children

barrel of monkeys

halogen desk lamps

scissors

drywall screws

toothpicks

toy mice

lava rocks

your grandmother's hands

DC the sock monkey

crystal figurines

dreamcatchers
tampons

hot wax

needles

candy apples

cotton candy

straws

nail clippings

your own hair

combs

permanent markers

freshly baked cookies

moldy bread

razor wire

egyptian mummies

pointy sculptures

an elephant

hair coloring kit

playing cards

smoldering logs from a fire

salad

your mom or dad's face

broken glass shards

gravel

kittylitter

pinecones

a sword

a rabid dog

sunglasses

pickles

a flashlight

fire pokers

your own dick

A nuculer war head
A tank
And you are mums hand External image not preserved — inspect source: http://homegrownforums.com/html/emoticons/Copy of unsure.gif

Well oli, if you carry on growing your hair, in about 4 years youll be able to wipe your arse with it!
I'd have to say wiping with one of those things that cut cheese wud be bad

Damn, razorblades! that shit would hurt.